3 questions to set goals that truly matter
∘ What goals are…and what they should be
· End goals vs Means goals (and the power of choosing wisely)
∘ >> Means Goals
∘ >> End Goals
· How do I achieve End Goals?
· How do I create my ideal End Goals?
∘ >> 1. What experiences do I want to have?
∘ >> 2. How do I want to grow?
∘ >> 3. What do I want to contribute?
· Take fear out of the equation
· >> SIMPLE CONCEPT <<
· >> BOLD ACTION <<
Would you ever start a road trip without a map?
Or without at least an idea of a general destination?
Probably not.
In the same way, we choose a degree programme based on what we’d like to have as a career & choose partners who will fulfil ‘what we’ve always been looking for’.
As much as possible, there’s always a clear reason as to why we choose to pursue something, or someone.
And why should it be any different with goals?
I’m sure this isn’t unfamiliar territory for you…goals and stuff. Love it or hate it, talk of goals & aspirations is always around!
In the previous 4 posts:
>> Successful people bend reality: Get started with this simple idea
>> Can’t attract what you want? Do this ONE thing to bend your reality
>> Got 17 seconds? That’s all you need to feel better
>> Bend reality: Why play equals success & 4 ways to do it
‘goals & aspirations’ came up a lot as a crucial ingredient in ‘bending reality’.
But now we’re going to investigate how to set your goals, with first assessing what kinds of goals you’ve been setting…and why you perhaps need to change them.
The reason for this is that there are 2 distinct kinds of goals.
Vishen Lakhiani, author of ‘The Code of the Extraordinary Mind’, divides them into ‘End Goals’ and ‘Means Goals’.
What goals are…and what they should be
We’ve been primed at an early age to think of goals & dreams within the strict confines of:
>> money
>> career
>> spouse
>> house
>> annual holidays
These are not bad things to dream of, or work towards. We all want those things!
The true question is ‘Why?’.
And if you can’t answer that question, then you may have a wee little problem…
…or if you answer the question often using the phrase ‘I want to have…’, then it’s time to push the boundaries of your goal-setting.
Life is not only about having things or having people — it’s also about doing, being, feeling & thinking.
And these action-words are closely connected to wholesome, sustainable & achievable goals.
The very kinds of goals & aspirations that feed us from the inside, and don’t rely only on external material gains.
The most important place to start when holding the magnifying glass over your goals, is to be honest with yourself as to WHOSE goals they are.
This may seem silly…but seriously, are they your own?
>> Did you choose them yourself?
>> Do they excite you?
>> Do they scare you, in a good way?
>> Do you feel genuinely moved to move towards them?
I ask this, because many people’s goals & aspirations don’t come from within.
They come from the outside…
>> pressure from parents & family members to choose a certain career, to get married etc
>> pressure from friends to work towards a certain kind of material wealth
>> pressure from a partner to look or behave a certain way
Asking these questions is kind of uncomfortable.
And we don’t do it, because we don’t know what to do with the answer we give ourselves!
If you find yourself in this position, hopefully this post can shed some light on the matter.
So, the first step is to jot down all your goals & dreams and truly reflect on whether they’re your own…
Because goals should come from you, and align with your values & what excites you
For the goals on the ‘Yes, these are my own!’ side of the list, carry on reading to understand how to amplify those goals into something with more meaning & value.
For the goals on the ‘Shit, those aren’t mine!’ side of the list, carry on reading to understand why it’s okay to scrap them…
…or if you prefer, how to transform them into goals more relevant to YOUR search for meaning & value.
End goals vs Means goals (and the power of choosing wisely)
The author of ‘The Code of the Extraordinary Mind’, Vishen Lakhiani, explains these 2 different kinds of goals so well — it was an absolute eye-opener for me.
>> Means Goals
These are the ones that I mentioned before — the money, the house, the career etc. Once again, nothing wrong with those.
But we can do better.
Means goals are the ‘vehicles’ for greater goals.
We think that money, career, kind of partner etc are the final destinations themselves….but, more often than not, they’re simply not.
Not if we’re in search of purpose, meaning & overall joy.
Does your paycheck really light you up? I’m sure you feel positive emotions like pride, a sense of self-worth, and these are not to be sneezed at.
Not at all.
But something like this doesn’t offer a long-term reward in terms of joy, unless you’re earning that kind of paycheck every day or week.
It’s the same concept as retail therapy. Does the thrill of that new, expensive dress last longer than a couple of days? Not unless you’re buying an expensive dress every day.
And it’s the same with a ‘trophy’ career & partner, and those ‘enviable’ annual holidays. They offer blips of good feelings which come and go all too quickly.
I’m not demonising Means Goals.
But I’m pointing all of this out to make a contrast with End Goals.
And you’ll soon clearly see the difference!
If you can connect the phrase below with your goal / aspiration, then chances are, you’re sitting with a Means Goal.
“I’ve been told I should be or do [insert achievement / action / state of being] so I should be or do [insert job title / action]”
For example, “I’ve been told I should earn a high salary to take care of my family, so I should be an accountant like others in my family”.
Play around with this and see where you end up…
>> End Goals
This kind of goal is not really a tangible thing, like a house, or a concrete concept, like a career.
Instead, End Goals are visions you have for the kind of life you’d like, and for the kind of experiences & feelings you want.
Looking at goals through this lens, you really need to zoom out & look at a broader picture of what you truly want your life to comprise of.
It’s about giving your heart what it wants…not only your head, your family or society in general.
It’s about looking at what you really enjoy…
>> what excites you?
>> what makes time fly?
>> when do you feel a sense of purpose & fulfilment?
These moments, these activities, are the clues as to the kind of End Goals you can, and should, create.
In this series, we’ve spoken so much about feelings!
And now is no different.
End Goals are deeply rooted in feelings:
>> how do you want to feel?
>> what experiences will bring you that feeling?
>> how do you want to make others feel?
And the important detail is not only the reward of a certain feeling once you’ve attained your end goal, but the feeling during the process of attaining that end goal.
Notice how this ties in very well with all our talk of joy in the present, in order to ‘bend reality’…
For example, an End Goal could be something like this:
>> I want to amplify my kid’s education by learning about the world through travel
>> I’m fascinated by Italian culture and would love to learn how to bring more of their values & lifestyle into my own life
>> I want to feel more satisfaction in my business by truly empowering my employees through helping to develop their skills
They’re not completely detached from Means Goals…they are still connected, but one is a complete up-level from the other.
Let me show you how.
We could say:
>> I’d like to triple my salary so that I can afford to — — amplify my kids education by learning about the world through travel
>> I want to be fluent in Italian so that I can — — meet Italians and learn how to bring more of their values & lifestyle into my own life
>> I want to be the most inspirational, knowledgeable & skilled leader so that — — I can feel more satisfaction in my business by truly empowering my employees through helping to develop their own skills
Can you see how it was a Means Goal that fed into a more potent End Goal?
And it’s the End Goals that truly light our fires, that truly foster that deep motivation to achieve those goals
Why?
Because they centre around feelings, growth, benefit of others and such lovely things.
And these are the very things that help ‘bend reality’.
How do I achieve End Goals?
Ah, the million dollar question.
End Goals can feel quite lofty, ‘out there’ & almost intangible.
But that’s the point.
Remember, it’s all about the bigger, broader vision you have for your life…based on feelings & experiences
So if you’re wondering how to achieve these goals, perhaps I’ll disappoint you by saying that it’s hard to know…if you’re expecting a step-by-step process.
There are many ways to achieve a single thing, just as there are many ways to get from your house to the supermarket.
The problem with our human minds is that we think in a linear fashion most of the time, and so expect the world to work the same way.
We set a goal and expect ourselves to already understand all the steps needed to get from A to B.
Then, when we don’t actually know those steps (because often a goal or aspiration is beyond our current realm of knowing, right?), we give up and assume it’s impossible.
But the trick is this…
…when you’re clear on the End Goal, when you’re open to what’s around you & you’re buoyed along with a sense of joy & trust…
…the steps will reveal themselves, without you needing to know of them before starting your journey.
As Lakhiani explains, the ‘how’ finds you…not the other way around
In Part III of this series, we looked at being in alignment with the positive around us & within us with vibrations & frequencies, and how ‘like attracts like’.
In this state, we notice more of the prompts & details that guide us in the direction of our End Goal, because we’re open to them & lining up with them.
And if you prefer something more scientific, we also spoke of the brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS) where information is filtered out…but also filtered in.
When we tell our mind what we’d like to be or do, it brings our awareness to the same prompts & details as above.
In both cases, we have the ‘how’ finding us.
So, don’t fixate on the exact steps.
Just stick to the formula I highlighted in Part IV:
Vibration (feeling) + clear goal + alignment = creation (bending reality)
Trust in the process…things always have a way of falling into place!
How do I create my ideal End Goals?
So far, we’ve established that things like money, material goods & status are wonderful tools — but not necessarily the best goals in themselves.
If we’re looking for more meaning & purpose in our lives, we need to be asking ourselves questions that go further than “What do I want?”.
Once again, Lakhiani guides us down this pathway so clearly & simply.
He’s distilled this whole clarification process into 3 questions:
>> what experiences do I want to have?
>> how do I want to grow?
>> what do I want to contribute?
Would you agree that these questions, and ultimately goals, can offer us more meaning & purpose?
We’ll take a look at each one so that you may start refining, and essentially redefining, your goals.
>> 1. What experiences do I want to have?
Now’s the time to let your imagination run free. What does your real, inner self want to experience?
If money / time / practicalities were not issues:
>> what would you like to achieve within your relationships?
>> in what way could friendships be more meaningful to you?
>> what kind of exciting / extreme / far-from-home adventures would you like to have?
>> depending on how you’d like to feel, what would your ideal work & home environments be like? In what kind of environment would you experience the feeling you’re after?
Take some time to write these things down, without overthinking them or being too practical & logical.
Let your instinct & imagination truly come out.
You can always edit the list later.
But see what spews out & then judge whether it’s something you’re willing to pursue.
And once those adventures & experiences are clear in your mind (coupled with those fuzzy feelings of ‘Yes, I want those!’), the ‘how’ will start to reveal itself…
…as long as you can maintain positive feelings (of any kind) going through your daily life.
>> 2. How do I want to grow?
We assume that growth is directly equivalent to book education…and stops when we leave school or university.
But growth is continuous, and comes in from all sides!
Any small advancement or tweak in:
>> mindset
>> perception
>> feelings
>> responses to the world around us
>> changes in habit
equals growth.
There’s also the fallacy that one can’t learn or evolve after a certain age.
Well, let an 85 year old getting their first degree tell you otherwise!
Or a 50 year old who completely reinvented himself, changing careers, habits & lifestyle in a short space of time.
We have an entire life ahead of us to grow & evolve. Very rarely are we truly stuck in one place forever
We can constantly add to our knowledge & skill sets, and broaden our horizons.
Not just intellectually, like someone getting a degree, but in our worldview & how we respond to people & events around us.
Some questions to ask yourself, to get really clear on how you’d like to grow include:
>> what skills am I interested in learning?
Not for the certificate, but for the value of the skill itself? For the joy of learning?
>> what intellectual growth can improve the experiences I want?
Eg. You’d like to go wild camping through the desert as a kind of sabbatical. How can you learn about what you need to have, need to do, about what to expect? Read something? Talk to someone who’s done it? Go down a rabbit hole of some kind?
>> how can my health habits change, if I want to be stronger / fitter / healthier in some way?
And more importantly, why? To keep up with energetic kids or a partner? To meet someone with common values & passions through training for a race? For your own self-esteem?
>> how do I want to evolve spiritually?
Is this completely foreign to you but you’re curious? Or you’re already on that path, but want to go deeper?
All of these areas, and their questions, will help you refine your ideas & goals of growth…which tie in perfectly with the kinds of experiences you’d like to have.
They’re like building blocks, stacking one on top of the other.
>> 3. What do I want to contribute?
Riding on the backs of the awesome experiences you’d like to experience, and all the growing you intend on doing, the next question is this…
With the learning, realisations & discoveries that come along with that, how will you share what you’ve learned & discovered?
In other words, how will you use this knowledge to contribute to those around you? Whether it’s family, friends, colleagues or strangers.
Will you:
>> teach others what you now know?
>> involve others in your adventures if of direct benefit to them?
>> be part of / start an initiative based on your experiences / growth?
We tend to separate our worlds.
We separate work from social life from home life which, in a way, makes sense.
We don’t want to bring the tough CEO from the boardroom into the kids’ playroom at home, but we can overlap positively…
…if we know how.
We can overlap positive mindsets, passions & lessons learnt, feeding one area of life by another that has evolved.
A simple example of this could be:
You’ve been helping your partner start their own online side project to make extra income, whilst still working both your full-time jobs. You decided to research ways to be more productive, so he / she can maximise his / her time.
You sussed out how to:
>> organise to-do lists
>> break tasks down into manageable, fun chunks
>> strategise doing the scary things first
Then you realised, “Heck, why not teach these to some colleagues to make the workplace more efficient & fun?”
A simple example of overlapping aspects of life in order to contribute.
Contribution isn’t about starting a global charity organisation to end world hunger (unless that’s what you want of course!).
Contribution is any small gesture we do for even one person
We impart what we’ve learnt along the way so others may learn & grow too…and then pass it on themselves.
Contribution also exists indirectly, through a creative self.
When people expand their horizons, they’re often inspired to express themselves creatively. Any creative pursuit that was lying dormant, comes back to life.
Have you discovered that the history of architecture in your hometown really moves you, visually & intellectually? And you’ve discovered the joy of photography?
Why not bring others’ awareness to the history & culture that exists in their everyday lives?
Marry the two.
Make a creative project out of it & showcase your work, or encourage others to do the project with you.
New knowledge + growth + creativity = contribution
When you’re asking yourself these questions, Lakhiani suggests you time yourself. Three minutes for each question.
Don’t overthink or analyse. Just write freely & intuitively.
As I said before, you can always edit later.
Once that’s done, stick up your new-found End Goals in a place where they’ll be easily seen.
Your mind will take note of it every day & guide you in the right direction..
Take fear out of the equation
By their very nature, goals will be exciting, but also a bit scary.
The most important thing is to monitor the logical, fear-based mind.
We always seem to give priority to our ‘monkey mind’ (as we’ve been conditioned to do) but remember, it’s often this very mind that will stop you in your End Goal-making tracks.
Another thing to consider is who we surround ourselves with…
…if you’re not conscious about this, those very people could be the external representations of our internal ‘monkey mind’ — the one who is forever doubtful, fearful & untrusting.
Essentially, be careful of the nay-sayers.
Without End Goals, leap-and-bound kind of progress can be slow, if it happens at all.
People don’t set goals, or the right goals, for 2 reasons:
>> they didn’t stop to consider what they truly want in terms of experience / growth / contribution
>> they’re too scared of not achieving their goals & looking like a fool
True goals are the goals we set are for ourselves, not those set exclusively for others & their judgement
Our achievement (or not) of those goals, in the eyes of others, does not define us.
Many things in life work out differently to what was expected / hoped / planned.
It’s life.
When one thing doesn’t work out, it’s ultimately making space for something else (aka better) or will simply happen at a later (aka better) time.
If you can approach life like this, making & setting those End Goals won’t be as daunting or futile as you initially think.
There’s an element of trust that’s needed…
…you will be guided in the right direction as long as you’re clear on your vision for the future & you’re joyful in the present.
The Universe will give you what you want, if you allow it to.
And that is what it means to ‘bend reality’.
>> SIMPLE CONCEPT <<
>> the goals we’ve been conditioned to have may not be the best ones for us
>> we have full permission to change them so they align with our values, and benefit ourselves & others
>> there’s a big difference between Means Goals & End Goals, with End Goals being the most effective
>> BOLD ACTION <<
>> ask yourself whether your goals are truly your own?
Or were they forced upon you in some way?
Ask yourself WHY you have a particular goal and where it came from
>> then ask yourself 3 questions:
- What experiences do I want to have?
- How do I want to grow?
- What do I want to contribute?
>> use these End Goals in conjunction with being joyful in the present & a bit of gamification for added fun, in order to ‘bend reality’
Vibration (feeling) + clear goal + alignment = creation (bending reality)
